Tales of the Parodyverse

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killer shrike posts one more story for the road
Wed Aug 02, 2006 at 12:00:05 am EDT
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Lair Legion Barbeque Part Ten
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“Attention: mammalian female in the cerulean one piece with the low back and halter neckline!” a tiny, tinny voice called to the blonde languidly drifting across Paradopolis Bay in an inflatable dinghy, her only apparent companion the buoy that bobbed nearby, “Raise your head and acknowledge the presence of Ahtumor… the Warlord!”

Katarina Allen looked up from the rubber band she had been idly stretching between her thumb and forefinger to the source of the order. The pretty weaver wondered if exposure to the rays from the mid-day sun and consumption of half a thermos of peach daiquiris had united their discombobulatory properties to create a mirage: paddling alongside the raft was a steel-plated sea turtle that carried two rows of stubby turrets on the back of its shell. Infinitesimal specks staffed these towers, specks that became slightly less miniscule Frogmen when she leaned forward and squinted.

“Hello?” she asked the mote-sized militia, “Are you here for the barbecue?”

“I, Ahtumor, have come to claim what is mine by right: the fealty of the Princess Uuuukulele!!” one of their numbers roared into the conch-shaped megaphone set up on the lead turret, “The seas have whispered their secrets, and told me she is here, trapped like Tetra in an aquarium, by the Lair Legion. Are you one of these Legions?”

Kat smiled, “No, I just help with the phones sometimes. But if you’re willing to wait –“

“I have come to conquer, not parlay!!” Ahtumor shouted up at the giantess, “And you, hirsute one, have become my first prisoner! Strike your colors and prepare to be boarded!”

With a snap Katarina launched the rubber band at the parapet where the Sea Monkey war chieftain stalked. The missile scattered the assembled warriors, knocking several overboard.

“All batteries, target the human! Fire! Fire!!” Ahtumor commanded.

Kat picked up her tube of sunscreen and sprayed its contents across the turtle’s shell. The viscous fluid gummed up the machine’s complement of weaponry.

Over the snap, crackle, and pop of the misfiring cannons a lieutenant called to Ahtumor, “My liege! Towers 2 and 5 are reporting heavy casualties! They are requesting permission to evacuate.”

The Sea Monkey struggled to maintain his balance on the film covered deck of his flagship, “Tell them to hold their - by Neptune’s Briny Beard, No!!”

The glare of the sun obfuscated Kat’s next attack, as she raised a rolled up copy of Vanity Fair high over her head before sending it crashing down again and again on her would be press gang.

“Watch out! It’s the ‘Hollywood Issue’!”

“Dive! Dive!!” was the panicked order.

As his damaged war machine submerged Ahtumor glared up into the determined visage of the corn silk-haired colossus. Though it galled him to his gills, the barbarian held his broadsword up in salute to her victory. He continued the stance until disappearing beneath the waves.

Kat seemed unimpressed, “Hmph. Hirsute?” she ran her fingers across her smooth legs, “I don’t think so.”

In a few minutes a vague shadow appeared on the other side of the raft. It became bigger and clearer before finally breaking the surface of the water.

“Ahoy there,” Katarina greeted the big man in the red swimming briefs.

“Found one more,” Dominic Clancy grinned, holding a lobster up for Kat to see, “Hand me some bands, please.”

The Paragon of Power used them to bind the delicacy's claws and then waded over to place it in the basket that floated under the tethered buoy.

“That makes seven of them. More than enough, I think,” Dominic said. He gave Kat a concerned look, “You look flushed. Is everything all right?”

“Just a bit bored. You’ve been down there a while.”

“Twenty seven minutes,” the Exemplary Man announced precisely before taking hold of the raft’s bow, “I’ll tow us in. Then we can start cooking.”

“Actually,” she reached down and tousled his hair, “I was thinking you could join me in here for a while. We could count each others freckles.”

“Good idea,” Dominic pulled himself aboard and gathered the young woman up into his arms, “Let’s see where the tide takes us.”


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